even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
