tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
