I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
