we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
