Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
