Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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