4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
