She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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