On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
