he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
