Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
