Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
