Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
