if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
whose ass print is on the piano?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
