can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize