OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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