so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
