SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
