My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
dude. I can hear the air.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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