I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
