Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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