but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
