I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
