Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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