first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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