Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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