Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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