I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
