please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
