you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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