i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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