I think scott just propositioned me for sex
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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