someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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