1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
