Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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