he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Houston, we have a blender
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize