If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
