You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
