Please, let me fuck your mom
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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