the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
