A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
