Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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