So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
