Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
