dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
