i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I supernannyed him into submission
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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