There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
