eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
