I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
