Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
