I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
