1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
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